F A T

I’m going to be completely honest: I think I’m fat. I have always felt fat. I’ve done almost everything to avoid this feeling, but no matter what I do, or how much time has passed, I sincerely believe I am fat.

Fat shouldn’t be the problem it’s made out to be. But, let’s face it, we live in a society that shames us if we don’t fit the mold. We think we need to look a certain way and if we don’t…we don’t deserve to go out with friends, fall in love, get that promotion, hit the beach, or FEEL GOOD ABOUT OURSELVES. Who decided this? Why do we believe it? Why do I, Emma, the intelligent, body-positive feminist still feel like no one is ever going to love me because of my body?

I don’t have an answer for these questions. If I did, I wouldn’t feel this way.

My body is beautiful. It is a gift from God. I often tell myself these things in my attempts to reconcile this broken relationship. But to no avail. I still feel fat and fat is still a negative word. To be clear, I have never looked at someone and associated them as fat in a negative way. I save this unfair discrimination solely for myself. I am not proud of that.

I just turned 23 and I can’t believe I am still fighting with my body so furiously. I used to starve myself. I used to force myself to vomit. I used to workout for hours until I could hardly function. I binged…a lot. Now, I am careful. But occasionally, I still slip into these habits.

It’s not glamorous. It’s not romantic. It is real life and it is mental illness. In reality, I am a very healthy woman. In my head, I am huge and lack all appeal, sex and otherwise.

It sucks.

If you struggle with this mentality, or something similar, I want you to know you are not alone. I may not have it all together yet, but I have learned to cope with body dysmorphia. When we discuss the things that break our heart, we learn, we grow and we help others.

 

 

I Was Feelin’ 22

My birthday is still on my mind. Apparently I’m very narcissistic this week.

I can’t believe another year has come and gone. I started thinking, “Man, what did I even DO this year?” According to a plethora of excessive pictures, I actually did a lot in my 22nd year.

Do you feel like taking a quick trip down memory lane with me? Yes? Okay good, let’s go!

Here’s a picture of my birthday party, 363 days ago. The blonde highlights are gone (thank goodness) but the BFFs are still by my side (thank goodness).

My sweet Noel and I striking a pose called, ‘Are you taking my picture?’ This was last summer. I can hardly believe how big she’s gotten since then.

A very important day in my life. I chose to go through the temple. In my church, this is a significant milestone. I will never forget this day, and I am grateful to the people in my life that worked to get here with me on this day.

I love my job. I genuinely love working with creative, passionate, people who are thirsty for more knowledge and understanding of the world around them. This year, I stretched my limits. I got out of my comfort zone and got creative. I am still beginning, but I truly love the frustrating, beautiful process of discovering my capability. I lead, I organize, and I LEARN. Every. Single. Day.

This picture is from last Fall at the career fair. We hosted a booth and had the raddest time.

I voted for the first time this year! It was such a cool experience to play a hand, no matter how small, in the future of this country. Also, I was obsessed with Hamilton at this point so, lots of references to the play were made on this day.

I met one of my LDS heroes, Al Fox Carraway, in the Fall. We waited in line for 2 hours, but it was WORTH it! If you haven’t read “More Than The Tattooed Mormon,” go read it!The Fall was one of the best semesters I’ve had at BYU-I hands down. These incredible girls made me feel so loved and so understood. I’ll never forget them. Speaking of friends, here’s a bunch of random pictures taken throughout the year with the most incredible friends a girl could ever ask for! I know these people were put into my life for a reason.

FB_IMG_1497915786524I can’t forget my family! I got to go home for a bit recently and visit. It was so nice to catch up and get back to my roots. I am Boston Strong and Boston Proud. Weddings, graduations, and I’m still kickin’ it. Me, bitter? Never. I am so proud and so happy for all of these lovely ladies… This year, I got a promotion at work. I got to travel to Portland, Seattle, Boston, and Arizona. I was happy. I was sad. I got an Idaho driver’s license (ick)! I pushed myself. I recognized I am worthy of love. I forgot that I am worthy of love. I started latin dancing. I watched too much TV. I learned the power of vulnerability. I cried…a lot. I felt my Savior’s love. I fought for what I believe in. I got rejected. I learned. I listened to thousands of hours of music. It was a good year.

I’m nervous to turn 23, but if it’s anything like 22, I’ve got nothing to worry about. Shoutout to my pals who made this year wonderful. I can’t wait to see what 23 has in store for little ol’ me.

Baby, You’re Golden!

This week marks my golden birthday. I’m turning 23 on the 23rd.

Normally, I love my birthday. This year though, something feels different.

My 22nd year was pretty great. I made wonderful friends, took trips to new places, had incredible spiritual experiences and opened my heart to new possibilities.

However, at the close of this chapter, I felt myself reverting back into a place I do not want to be.

I’m sad, I’m insecure, I’m fearful and I am DOUBTING myself and my potential.

I know life’s about to get good because boy does it suck right now. That is how it works, right?

When I get like this, I have a bit of a routine. I wallow for a while…okay, sometimes a long while. Then, I get my ish together. I make changes. I attack the problem head on. I figure it out.

It’s funny. You think you’ve reached a point when your demons can no longer get to you but I’m learning that those suckers don’t quit. You know what though… neither do I.

I’m on the brink of major change. MAJOR. I know that is why my demons are working overtime to drag me down.

23 is my golden birthday. My golden AGE. I am ready for a fresh start. A clean slate. Yes, I know it doesn’t really work like that.

This next year is going to be filled with hardships just like the last. The difference is, I am not going to let the hard times overpower me. I will not let fear consume my power. I am woman, hear me roar!

The choice is mine to make. I feel helpless, but I AM in control. You are too. We can’t let our circumstances determine our destiny. We make the rules. We call the shots. Life might not be particularly glamorous right now, but when you choose to see the good and work your ass off, the glamour comes naturally.

So here’s to the start of my birthday week! A time of reflection and major change. And I am talking major change (I’m thinking of ditching the screens for a while, ah!) Wish this girl luck!

 

 

W A R T S

This life is complicated. It’s messy. It doesn’t make sense. No matter how many times you’re told that it is okay to be imperfect, you’ll still feel like you’ve fallen short.

And you know what? That’s real life. Stop beating yourself up.

I’ve been in my apartment for 4 days. I’ve numbed myself with countless hours of Law and Order: SVU. I’ve sat in the tub taking ridiculously long showers. I’ve desperately tried to pick myself up, even when I don’t know why I’m down.

I’m tired all day, but I can’t sleep at night. My head is buzzing. My body is useless.

If you were to look into my world, my snow globe, you wouldn’t see a big problem. If I tried to justify my behavior, I’d fail. But here’s the thing, I don’t need to justify anything.

I have clinical depression and anxiety. I don’t have the answers.

I do however, have an incredible support system. Today, I was blessed with multiple angels. For that, I am grateful.

As I strive to find my charisma, please have patience with me. My journey isn’t easy, but it’s mine and I’ll take it. Warts and all.

Stop Playing It Small

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won’t feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.”

I cannot tell you how strongly my soul resonates with this quote. For the last little while, I have been trying to fit myself into a box. I am concerned with the opinion of others. I recognize that I am a being with infinite potential, but that scares me. I often don’t feel worthy or ‘good’ enough for the things that I want.

The truth is, I am completely worthy and you are too. Success is met when we push through our personal barriers and rise to our incredible potential.

It takes courage, but it’s much better than remaining stagnant.

Today, as you begin another week, remember who you are. Live up to your potential. Share your dreams. Above all, do not fear the infinite potential that lives inside of you.

Happy Sunday!

20 Random Facts

  1. I’ve watched Almost Famous twice this week.
  2. I have an irrational fear of horses.
  3. I’m a space nerd.
  4. I like my chocolate 80% dark.
  5. Lilacs are my favorite flower.
  6. Gilmore Girls is my therapy of choice.
  7. I wish I wasn’t so afraid.
  8. I’m listening to jazz and thinking about my Dad right now.
  9. Someday, I’ll grow a garden.
  10. I’m trying to ‘date myself’ these days.
  11. My birthday is in 2 weeks.
  12. My high school english teacher made me feel ‘smart’ for the first time in my life.
  13. I cannot wait to get a dog.
  14. I share a room with a tidy person. I am the complete opposite.
  15. My love language is ‘quality time.’
  16. I take my eyebrows very seriously.
  17. I paint when I’m stressed. I paint a lot.
  18. I still like to believe fairies are real.
  19. Sometimes I go star gazing by myself.
  20. You can find me with a cup of tea and a candle lit all year long.

Alone, Not Lonely

AirBrush_20170531202441.jpg

I’m trying this new thing. I’m spending more time alone. Why?

Well, I’m working through some things. I’m trying to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.

I’m striving not to be overly dependent on other people.

And let me tell you, it is exhausting.

When I think about it…I’ve spent most of my life alone. My parents can confirm, I’ve been pretty independent starting from a young age. I never quite fit in when I was in school. I had friends, but for the most part, I’d rather stay home and read a book than go out.

I was 1 of 2 kids in my high school of LDS faith. I felt alone. I grew up in a primarily non-LDS family. I felt alone there too. It took me a long time to discover my identity. It took me a long time to discover my truth.

My time alone began to be me trying to fit myself into a mold. I developed a perfection complex. I developed an eating disorder, clinical depression, and clinical anxiety trying to fit that mold. I was dependent on food, on exercise, on medicine, and on others. I was in so much pain. I was self-medicating. I was fake happy.

To be honest, I’m in a similar spot. This time though, I am trying to embrace the pain. I’m working through the temptation to numb myself. By embracing the imperfections of my life, I am growing.

I am alone. But I’m not lonely. The more time I spend going to the store, eating, reading, studying, running, watching movies by myself, the more I realize I can do this.

I read a quote months ago that really resonated with me: “If somebody does not want me it is not the end of the world. But if I do not want me the world is nothing but endings.”

This has been my mantra lately.

Although being alone is exhausting, it is also rewarding. I am discovering my true beauty. I am remembering my worth. I am feeling more comfortable simply being me.

It’s a really special time.

Feelin’ Hot Hot Hot

There are a LOT of things I love about going to school in rural Idaho. And…as you can imagine…there are also many things I do not love. However, let’s focus on the love. Cause the world needs so much more of it.

The people who’ve entered my journey are  my favorite part of college BY FAR. If I had decided to go to school somewhere else, I’m sure my life would be completely different. I wouldn’t have met some of my very best friends. One of which, I was able to visit this past holiday weekend.

Diane graduated in December and up until that point, we were kindred spirits. We still are. I often joke that I can’t believe this angel chose to be my friend! I am so lucky. She is the most spiritually diligent, emotionally strong, and drop dead gorgeous babe I know.

After 5 months, I was reunited with one of my best friends and it was as if nothing had changed (even though so much had). Also, it was my first time in Arizona. Holy hot!

We talked and talked and talked. We went to the temple. We ate delicious food. We took a booze cruise (Ha!), we painted, we got frozen yogurt, we laughed, we went to Trader Joe’s, we took multiple cactus selfies, we went to the lake, we had Despacito on repeat, and overall we comfortably fell back into our friendship.

And I loved every second.
I needed this weekend getaway. The town I live in is a bubble. I glorious, frustrating bubble. I get caught up in expectations and feelings and a whole bunch of nonsense. Taking a few days to rejuvenate and revive my spirit was JUST what the doctor ordered.

Now I am back and I’ve gained a fresh perspective. I feel myself in a state of transition. I’m recognizing my worth. I’m making decisions. Big decisions. I’m allowing myself to feel. I’m working through it.

If you’d like my advice, take a weekend getaway. Visit a friend. Go some place new. If you are feeling hopeless, worthless, and think life is pointless, do it. Get away. Travel is good for the heart. Trust me!

Proactive Patience

Hey everyone. I love to write. I love this blog. I may be inconsistent but I always come back. So here I am once again. To share my heartache! To share my realizations! To share messages I HOPE and PRAY will benefit YOU! Let’s dive in, yes?

I’ve been uncomfortable for a while now. I asked the Lord for patience in January, and ever since then, I’ve felt myself transitioning. I’m anxious, I’m scared, I’m overwhelmed. Folks, I’m in the growth zone and I love/hate it.

I’m coming up to some big decisions. I’ll be graduating college soon and I need to decide what/where my next move is. I’ve never felt so incompetent or so alone.

I’ve been practicing vulnerability. I told someone I care about them. They’ve showed me they don’t care about me. I’m broken, but still breathing.

I’ve been focusing on finding my purpose. Why am I here? What am I good at? Sometimes, I feel like I have nothing to offer.

My mind and heart continue to crash into each other, looking for solutions but producing no results. The moment I start to feel peace, the moment I think I’m moving on, I fall into a state of madness. A state of complete and overwhelming emotion. My heart cries while my mind rifles through logic. I think to myself, “Em, you are smarter than this. You are fine. Stop worrying. What is meant for you won’t pass you by.” But, I never believe myself. I never trust this concept. What if I did something wrong? What’s wrong with me? What do I do? Do I really deserve the things I want?

I made a decision last night. It’s time.

It’s time to believe in myself. It’s time to believe that I CAN and I WILL do this. It’s time to take care of myself and do the things that I want to do.

It’s time to trust in God and his plan for my life. I have had too many miracles occur in my personal life to not believe that God’s hand is woven beautifully into this pattern.

I’m broken, but I am healing. That’s where I am right now. And that’s okay. It is OKAY not to be okay. If there’s one thing you gain from reading this post, I hope it’s that. No life is perfect. No person is perfect. The majority of our lives will NOT be okay and that is completely OKAY. It just means you are developing and growing closer to our Heavenly Father. I know this. I trust this.

“Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is impossible.”

Your value is infinite. You have so much to offer. You are an incredible force.

Please remember your worth and I’ll try to remember mine.

We’ve got this.

Conference Thoughts

I woke up this morning filled with looming thoughts from the past. It is not easy to separate self-worth from experiences that left me broken, uncomfortable, weary, fearful, and alone. I struggle far too often to disassociate myself from the person I once was and accept myself as I am, flaws and all.

This weekend I had the opportunity to listen to church leaders in a general conference. I received 8 hours worth of inspiration that nourished my soul and touched my heart. I prayed for guidance in the weeks leading up to this event and I didn’t exactly get the answers I was expecting.

My main questions were:

where am I going?
What does my future hold?
Am I on track?
When will I meet a man who will love me for me?
What is holding me back from that relationship?
Where can I turn for peace?
How can I become a better disciple of Christ?

 

Needless to say, I’ve had a lot on my mind.

One of my favorite talks came from President Henry B. Eyring entitled, “My Peace I Leave Unto You.” Here is an excerpt that gave me immense comfort:

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren [and sisters], pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons [and daughters] of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure” (Moroni 7:45–48).

This is the goal that your Father in Heaven has for you, His precious daughters. It may seem to you like a distant goal, but from His perspective, you’re not that far away. So He visits you with His Spirit to comfort you, encourage you, and inspire you to keep going.

I leave you my sure witness that the Father knows you—knows your needs and your name—loves you, and hears your prayers. His Beloved Son is inviting you to come unto Him. And They send the Holy Ghost to attend you in your efforts to serve others for Them.

Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost will have a sanctifying and purifying effect on your spirit. You will then feel the peace the Savior promised to leave with His disciples. With that peace will come a bright hope and a feeling of light and love from the Father and His Beloved Son, who leads His kingdom on earth through revelation to His living prophet. I so testify in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.”

About 3 months ago, I started praying for patience. I knew that if I did so I would have to face trials. But I decided I was ready for the challenge because more than anything I want to grow and progress. I want to grow closer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior.

This conference, I received the answer that I need to continue to be patient. I need to have patience with myself and with the timing of my life. I need to have patience with my family, my friends, and those around me. I need to have patience when it comes to finding the right guy. I need to remember that the Lord has infinite patience with me despite all of my shortcomings.

I have faith in God and in his uniquely crafted plan for me. I know that if I trust in him and work hard to become the best I can be, I will be blessed. Despite my past, I know that I have a bright future and it gets brighter everyday I chose to follow Christ.

Here’s to looking ahead!